Is Winter over yet?

Oh, man, we have had a rough winter. Good times abounded, sure. Peter learned to crawl and giggle and say 'finished' in sign language, Benjamin learned to talk in sentences and play pretend and be sneaky (He actually pretended to play with his Leapfrog Computer while all the time he HAD MY PHONE, was concealing behind the screen. Stink). Greg and I learned we are stronger partners than we knew possible, weathering illness after illness after illness. Winter didn't start last October, but that's when the corner was turned and a series of events followed that added up to, if not the most emotionally draining winter of my life, a close second. I beat down feelings of guilt over what we did to Peter's first year of life daily. We opened a daycare so that I could bring in money while still staying home with the boys. It didn't work out the way we had hoped. The boys have been sick almost constantly. I didn't make very much money because we kept having to cancel due to one of them running a fever or I was up all night with them due to puking or whatever. I have been exhausted and depressed, and Peter, poor Peter. He's just a baby who wanted his mommy, and I was constantly putting him down so that I could change someone else's poopy diaper or wipe someone else's nose or feed someone else lunch. I think I would still be nursing right now instead of having weaned him last week totally because I was so, so exhausted and it was so hard to nurse while I was chasing other toddlers.  Not to mention my emotional unavailability at times because of the depression I was beating down every day. And Peter's fifty one different illnesses his brother avoided somehow during his first year. It was not an optimal situation. And it didn't even make money.

We are regrouping now. Greg has taken a second job and to his relief I finally agreed to close the daycare. The boys and I are learning together what life looks like with the three of us on most days. There's a happy rhythm, if not completely established, then we're working on it. We miss Greg terribly. Greg and I take comfort in the fact that its not forever, just until some debt is beaten down.

In the longstanding 'mommy wars' I have been on both sides now. Let me tell you something. Cleaning up multiple diarrhea disasters while containing a 2 year old hell bent on not taking his nap, when said 2 year old starts pulling out drawers and throwing heirloom cups into his sleeping brother's crib...that's hard shit right there, no pun intended. It ain't for the fainthearted. The isolation is no joke, either. I am not alone but completely alone all day long, especially when they are sick. That said...hats off to the mommas who go to work every day. I did that, too, and it was heartwrenchingly impossible. My head was always at work when I was home, my heart was always at home when I was working. My husband was bewildered and stressed over the cranky babies while mommy was gone, and the cranky mommy when she was home.

There's no easy way to raise babies, and that's the long and short of it. Meanwhile, I will exercise my brain with this blog and reading. I will speak to my friends daily. I will NOT spend too much time on Pinterest or mom-blogs (which I guess this is? I think of it as my surviving with depression/being broke/ I need an outlet for all of these bazillion THOUGHTS blog) because mom-blogs somehow end up making me feel inadequate, with a few exceptions.

I will remember, as I told a wonderful mom-friend of mine recently, that I am the parent God intended my boys to have. That as long as I SHOW UP and follow my instincts, I am a good mother. I am a great mother. I am the best damn mother my children could possibly have.

 That said...I am fairly certain nobody else's kids watch as much tv as mine. sigh.

BABY STRIKES BACK

I actually find it really hard to concentrate and write well when Thomas the Train is screamingly loud on the TV. But I learned this morning that if I don't have it on, and my two year old is feeling better after a week of wheezing and fevers and an ear infection, then he will get into all sorts of mischief. Mischief at our house is exploration and learning. Mischief at my parents house in Texas is expensive. Whether the cost is monetary or in my time and attention, its a pain in the A. So please excuse me if there are typos, grammatical errors, bad syntax, because in my head is an earnest little blue engine wishing he'd listened so he could be a 'really useful engine.'

Before we left for Texas, which was an adventure I'd rather not relive as it was exhausting and stressful, but worth it, Peter started crawling. A lot. Everywhere. Fast. And I started to notice some things about my sweet little Peter I had never known before. First of all, he's super curious. He is more interested in the world around him than he was before. He loves doors. He loves opening and shutting opening and shutting them. Right now, at this very moment, he has discovered my parent's tv console cabinet door...unforutnately its glass...be right back...

OKay, two hours later...Peter's new hobby, besides slamming doors open and shut, is following Benjamin around stealing his toys or knocking them down. He also likes to kick Benjamin in the head at every opportunity. The last opportunity was when they were riding in a shopping cart, Peter in an infant seat and Benjamin in the regular seat. I had to hold his foot to keep him from doing it and push the cart with my free hand alone. So every time I left the cart to get something, there his leg would swing and kick kick kick to B's head. B tolerated it admirably. Minimal yelling and screaming.

The upshot being, I am no longer worried about Peter, or his likelihood of survival in my house with all the big kids. That boy is going to be just fine.

The other thing I wanted to say was this, and I didn't say it, Glennon Melton of Momastery said it, and since she's amazing and brilliant I am not going to paraphrase. Just directly quote:

Listen to me: God said the most important thing to do down here is to “love your neighbor as yourself.” Implied in this commandment is that if you don’t love yourself, you’re useless. You cannot save anyone else. All you can do is save yourself so that those you love can see how it’s done.

Glennon Melton, Momastery

To that end, there are  some new developments in my life that include weekly yoga classes, regular afternoon breaks provided by my husband, and possibly anti-depressants. I am really stoked about all of those things. Keep you posted.