Sunday, April 21, 2013

Happiness is...

I am certain I have everything I need. Is that the cause of the malaise? The frantic need to paint furniture, sew pillows, move cabinetry? I am unable to live in contentment. I am unable to accept my own happiness. I am sabotaging it, actually, in this very moment. I know, mentally, that my hormones are out of whack and making me crazy. But the knowledge doesn't stop the crazy. Every few minutes something pisses me off. I am walking around, trying to do the things that soothe me and trying to help my husband and be supportive and open and BAM. something pisses me off, I have to walk away or I will go postal on someones ass. Add to that the fatigue. I am so tired. so so so tired. My home is in shambles, and I don't have the energy to make it better. I took a two hour nap today with a sweet, snuggly Benjamin, and I still don't have the energy to get into the kitchen and finish the dishes. My husband is consistently wonderful and patient with me- although I was skirting the edge of that patience today, that's for sure- but I continue to just get pissed off.

I wish to cultivate gratitude. So I am peering through the foggy mess my hormones have left my brain, and I am focusing on those positive things I can see in the distance. My upcoming travels to see family. My husband who retains his sense of humor and aims it at the black cloud I am toting around. My Benjamin who is SO EXCITED about communicating he does it constantly, and the results are delightful. My Peter who approaches his play and discovery time like an extreme sport, uber focused and committed. I am constantly afraid my crappy attitude is going to negatively affect them for life, or ruin my marriage (which will negatively affect them for life)

And that's the problem right there: Another side effect of all this hormonal crazy is the judgement ticker tape running through my head. I am judging others' decisions and lifestyle. I am judging myself constantly. I vaguely remember a time in my life when I didn't do that. I was gentle with myself. I said 'live and let live' to others. Man, that was a happy time in my life. I know that I can't return there completely- becoming a parent means I have to make 'judgment' calls daily, and there's no getting around weighing the pros and cons and deciding what I think is better. I wish to let go of this need to run other people's lives in my head, however. Or to judge too harshly what I am doing or not doing. What a waste of energy! Yes, I ate that icing for dinner. I had a salad for lunch. Balance is everything. 

My resolution is to cultivate gratitude by catching myself ticker taping-running judgmental narratives through my head, or judging myself too harshly in matters of weight, parenting, productivity- and when I catch the ticker tape, stop it by focusing on things I wish to be grateful for. I am going to do this until it becomes a habit. I warn you: I may become obnoxious with gratitude. Please don't judge me too harshly. 

Happiness no particular order....healthy children, great books and discovering new authors, clean carpets, new furniture finishing projects, one more week of radiation treatment for baby sister and cancer is gone, gone, gone; kisses from 2year olds and 10 month olds, sleeping in with said children, a husband who gleefully finishes a project involving many wires and technology; all the friends and family who came out to celebrate Greg's 30th year of life on Saturday evening. These are the things I am grateful for this evening.

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