CousCous

We have moved on to Cous Cous. Cous Cous is, of course, Blue's Clues, in Benjamin speak. Both boys adore Steve. They aren't crazy about the other guy who replaced him. Since we got rid of cable this month, we won't be subjected to Steve replacements. The tv schedule is a little better. I turn it on in the morning so I can get my coffee and see what's up in the world.  The shows only play one at a time on our Netflix, so eventually when the boys have lost interest in the middle of the second one, the tv stays off for the rest of the morning. Benjamin has replaced the tv with his LeapPad...but he's learning stuff, so that's okay. We also end up outside in the glorious spring weather so I can water my little wildflower shoots. Unless its horrible and windy, which its been a lot recently. Then I pull out playdoh or put on Thomas, depending on how dark my mood has turned.

After waging battle after battle with Peter over where he spends his nighttime sleeping hours, winning the fight for a few nights, losing some ground with illness...we have lost the war. Yes, I admit defeat. I surrender. Apparently Peter's teething experience is so excruciating that even ibuprofen isn't working to alleviate it. The only analgesic that is effective? Mama's arms. Better yet, Mama's arms surrounded by Mama's cozy bed. I can't really blame him. Greg and I invested in a new mattress this winter, and it is THE most comfortable spot in the house. Peter's mattress purchase was less thought out...our research consisted of staring at the selection at Target and picking out the cheapest one. Sold. I have regretted that decision since Peter got a little bigger. Its really not so much a mattress as a fabric covered, thick cot. We discovered that by padding the bed with a towel under the sheet and one of the beautiful baby quilts on top for him to lie on top of, we can get a good 2-3 hour nap out of him. But it doesn't hold up all night.

Its looks like this that keep him alive.

I truly have no idea if that's the reason he won't stay in his bed. I read that somewhere and it sounded good. Especially since it could add to my mommy guilt list.  I cheaped out on his mattress. Let the internal maternal flogging begin!

In other news, and perhaps most importantly, my darling new nephew was born!!! Rory Higgins made his appearance on April 22nd after 14 hours of labor and about 20 minutes of pushing. Apparently my pint-sized sister is a hoss in disguise. Further proving how rare (read:recessive) our genepool is, Rory's father clearly won this match-up. He's just gorgeous regardless! I am one proud aunt!

Hi, little lovie, sweet baby nephew boy!!  Auntie loves you!!

Can't wait to kiss his little face!

Also went and procured the anti-depressants I so desperately wanted a few months ago. Peter and I are completely done nursing, and I have had increasingly wide mood swings, and increasingly paranoid thoughts. Here's hoping the meds help not hurt! I've taken bigger risks, the good Lord knows. The only other thing I can say is now, after listening to Peter's screaming for 25 minutes, the house is finally quiet and I am to bed. Well, I am to watching Don Draper be hot on Mad Men. Same dif.

Happiness is...

I am certain I have everything I need. Is that the cause of the malaise? The frantic need to paint furniture, sew pillows, move cabinetry? I am unable to live in contentment. I am unable to accept my own happiness. I am sabotaging it, actually, in this very moment. I know, mentally, that my hormones are out of whack and making me crazy. But the knowledge doesn't stop the crazy. Every few minutes something pisses me off. I am walking around, trying to do the things that soothe me and trying to help my husband and be supportive and open and BAM. something pisses me off, I have to walk away or I will go postal on someones ass. Add to that the fatigue. I am so tired. so so so tired. My home is in shambles, and I don't have the energy to make it better. I took a two hour nap today with a sweet, snuggly Benjamin, and I still don't have the energy to get into the kitchen and finish the dishes. My husband is consistently wonderful and patient with me- although I was skirting the edge of that patience today, that's for sure- but I continue to just get pissed off.

I wish to cultivate gratitude. So I am peering through the foggy mess my hormones have left my brain, and I am focusing on those positive things I can see in the distance. My upcoming travels to see family. My husband who retains his sense of humor and aims it at the black cloud I am toting around. My Benjamin who is SO EXCITED about communicating he does it constantly, and the results are delightful. My Peter who approaches his play and discovery time like an extreme sport, uber focused and committed. I am constantly afraid my crappy attitude is going to negatively affect them for life, or ruin my marriage (which will negatively affect them for life)

And that's the problem right there: Another side effect of all this hormonal crazy is the judgement ticker tape running through my head. I am judging others' decisions and lifestyle. I am judging myself constantly. I vaguely remember a time in my life when I didn't do that. I was gentle with myself. I said 'live and let live' to others. Man, that was a happy time in my life. I know that I can't return there completely- becoming a parent means I have to make 'judgment' calls daily, and there's no getting around weighing the pros and cons and deciding what I think is better. I wish to let go of this need to run other people's lives in my head, however. Or to judge too harshly what I am doing or not doing. What a waste of energy! Yes, I ate that icing for dinner. I had a salad for lunch. Balance is everything. 

My resolution is to cultivate gratitude by catching myself ticker taping-running judgmental narratives through my head, or judging myself too harshly in matters of weight, parenting, productivity- and when I catch the ticker tape, stop it by focusing on things I wish to be grateful for. I am going to do this until it becomes a habit. I warn you: I may become obnoxious with gratitude. Please don't judge me too harshly. 

Happiness is...in no particular order....healthy children, great books and discovering new authors, clean carpets, new furniture finishing projects, one more week of radiation treatment for baby sister and cancer is gone, gone, gone; kisses from 2year olds and 10 month olds, sleeping in with said children, a husband who gleefully finishes a project involving many wires and technology; all the friends and family who came out to celebrate Greg's 30th year of life on Saturday evening. These are the things I am grateful for this evening.