Adventures in Sleep

So I am completely BUMMED OUT because the coffee addiction seems to have been a huge factor in all the sleepless nights.  First of all, I was drinking it all day, into the late afternoon sometimes, so it made getting to sleep at bedtime difficult. But worst of all (and I officially let go of the guilt about this NOW) it was making it hard for Peter to sleep...it sucks when your mom is right all the time...

I am now engaging in new adventures in SLEEP. Bedtime prep for momma begins right after the boys go down. Sometimes I skip the night chores altogether.  Greg and I are taking shifts at night when he's home so that each of us gets at least six hours uninterrupted. Peter is finally sleeping in longer stretches, and no more nursing at night. No more nursing during the day, either, come to that. Just morning when he wakes up (and its actually morning, not still the middle of the night) and at bedtime.

 My house is a little messier, but my eyes look brighter. I haven't been able to get a post out this last week because I've been focusing on my health, and I am enjoying my kids on a level that I haven't since last summer. One week ago I was begging my doctor for anti-depressants. Today I don't think I need them, and its because I have been getting some real sleep.

I learned over the last two weeks that applying perfectionism to motherhood is dangerous and destructive.  That I have to serve myself before I can serve others. Being sleep deprived caused me to do some wacky things- like lose the boys' antibiotics for 24 hours that they were taking for ear infections. I literally LOST THE BOTTLES. What killed me was I knew I had deliberately put them somewhere 'convenient' so that I would remember to give it to them in the morning. GAH!  Finally found them in the dirty laundry basket. sheesh.

Some of the things I noticed about my kids these last two weeks....

Benjamin is now deliberately doing things to see where his boundaries are. He also deliberately does things to engage me in his playtime. Like repeatedly pushing his matchbox cars under the carseat of the baby we take care of a few days a week, while the baby is in it and sleeping peacefully. The cars would get stuck and Ben would scream because he couldn't get them, therefore getting my immediate attention as I did NOT want the little thing to wake up! He loves it when I get down on the floor with him and even if I just watch him play, he's happy. He's making this new face when he gets excited, an almost inhibited expression of joy that he seems reluctant to let others see. Its strange to me that he feels the need to hide. 

Peter loves to play with wires. That's not really new, but now instead of just coming across them and being excited to shake them in his baby hands, he sees them from across the room and makes a beeline. He is now playing with the plug to the nebulizer we have for Mr. B. And I am letting him. Please don't call social services. 

I also noticed that my relationship with Peter is so different than my relationship with Benjamin. I am profoundly in love with both boys, but its so interesting the way you love a second child-the way you love them just as much as your first baby, and a little different, too, because its a love especially designed between the two of you, like no other love in the world. There isn't one-size-fits-all love here.

ps. and by the way. We started putting on Cars 2 in Espanol to assuage guilt that Ben's watching it twice a day. Just another parenting tip from yours truly.

Magical Mommy

This last week both the boys got sick, Benjamin just in time for his 2nd birthday on Valentine's Day, and Peter immediately after I arrived in Fort Worth, TX to visit my family. We are used to Benjamin having lots of wheezing and coughing when he gets a respiratory bug- he's had the problem since he was 6 months old and we suspect asthma. We have the tools to help him (folks with this issue will recognize the word nebulizer). I was surprised, however, to hear Peter wheezing. And concerned. I was advised not to give him a breathing treatment and didn't. We took him to the doctor the day after I drove  home by myself with two babies on a 9 hour trip. We made one long stop. That's right. My kids are rock stars, and I am the lead singer. We are road warriors of a variety never before seen in Americana. I waddled my happy ass into that McDonald's bathroom with Peter strapped to my front and Benjamin trailing by my hand. I can pee with a baby strapped to me while preventing a toddler from touching all the disgusto things. (Benjamin, don't touch that! Benjamin, wanna sing Itsy Bitsy Spider? Benjamin DO YOU WANT MOMMY TO SPANK YOU DON'T TOUCH THAT). The trick is actually a skirt and no underwear. In case you're ever in that situation and you need to know.

I had no way of knowing during this trip that Peter was actually suffering from RSV. The test came back from the doctor yesterday. The dreaded, the mythic, the very serious respiratory illness that actually causes the death of 1 to 2% of children hospitalized, around 125,000 a year. To keep this post from getting too heavy, Petey is fine and has actually handled the illness pretty well. He's still coughing a bit, and clearly doesn't feel well, but he slept a lot better last night, so that's something. Benjamin is completely recovered. Do you know who else has handled it well? Me! That's right, I've had two kids with RSV over the last 10 days, and not only did I not lose my shit completely and join the circus or loony bin or circus, I went on a road trip without my husband and only had one meltdown, and not until I got home. I powered through. I haven't slept for two weeks, I am facing weeks more of the flu/RSV/cold season, and not only did I get through it and the boys are still in one piece, I am still in one piece. And I lost three more pounds despite 10pm brownie batter goodness with my sister and good friend AM. That's the magic of Weight Watchers, and that's the magic of me. BAM. I am awesome.
And if Benjamin is going to have waffles again for dinner tonight? At least he gets dinner. We'll try for veggies again tomorrow.

Riding his new Thomas from his Aunty and Uncle- it was so awesome on my parents' hard wood floors. Our carpet? Not so much. 

Sweet sleepy face. 

BABY STRIKES BACK

I actually find it really hard to concentrate and write well when Thomas the Train is screamingly loud on the TV. But I learned this morning that if I don't have it on, and my two year old is feeling better after a week of wheezing and fevers and an ear infection, then he will get into all sorts of mischief. Mischief at our house is exploration and learning. Mischief at my parents house in Texas is expensive. Whether the cost is monetary or in my time and attention, its a pain in the A. So please excuse me if there are typos, grammatical errors, bad syntax, because in my head is an earnest little blue engine wishing he'd listened so he could be a 'really useful engine.'

Before we left for Texas, which was an adventure I'd rather not relive as it was exhausting and stressful, but worth it, Peter started crawling. A lot. Everywhere. Fast. And I started to notice some things about my sweet little Peter I had never known before. First of all, he's super curious. He is more interested in the world around him than he was before. He loves doors. He loves opening and shutting opening and shutting them. Right now, at this very moment, he has discovered my parent's tv console cabinet door...unforutnately its glass...be right back...

OKay, two hours later...Peter's new hobby, besides slamming doors open and shut, is following Benjamin around stealing his toys or knocking them down. He also likes to kick Benjamin in the head at every opportunity. The last opportunity was when they were riding in a shopping cart, Peter in an infant seat and Benjamin in the regular seat. I had to hold his foot to keep him from doing it and push the cart with my free hand alone. So every time I left the cart to get something, there his leg would swing and kick kick kick to B's head. B tolerated it admirably. Minimal yelling and screaming.

The upshot being, I am no longer worried about Peter, or his likelihood of survival in my house with all the big kids. That boy is going to be just fine.

The other thing I wanted to say was this, and I didn't say it, Glennon Melton of Momastery said it, and since she's amazing and brilliant I am not going to paraphrase. Just directly quote:

Listen to me: God said the most important thing to do down here is to “love your neighbor as yourself.” Implied in this commandment is that if you don’t love yourself, you’re useless. You cannot save anyone else. All you can do is save yourself so that those you love can see how it’s done.

Glennon Melton, Momastery

To that end, there are  some new developments in my life that include weekly yoga classes, regular afternoon breaks provided by my husband, and possibly anti-depressants. I am really stoked about all of those things. Keep you posted. 

Church and Love and Weddings

This morning I went to church with my friend (and business partner) Liz. I was surprised and delighted to run into friends of mine I never get to see, but just adore. I was in their wedding almost 10 years ago now (10? really?? or 11? I need to figure that out. It's all foggy, those early 2000's...) I had never been to the church before, but I sort of knew what to expect because Liz had talked to me about it on numerous occasions. The most important, number 1 reason I wanted to go there on this particular Sunday was because I knew they had a great childcare room for little ones under 3, and I really wanted to be with God this morning without distraction. I am Catholic, and this church isn't, but it didn't matter to me today.

Anyway, I ran into this couple, which made me feel immediately at home (I was already pretty comfy since I was with Liz and as we women know, if we are armed with a good friend who already knows the ropes, any new place becomes ten times less intimidating) and their little boy was in the nursery already. They were ushers today, so we didn't sit with them, but close to the end of the service the pastor (leader? reverend?) asked all the partners in the room who wished to renew their vows to stand up. The couples in the room were each handed a red rose and repeated the vows after the leader (reverend? pastor? I need to find out, its bugging me). I felt so privileged to look back and see them exchange their vows to each other again.

The whole experience brought me right back to my tiny Catholic chapel wedding with Husband. Greg and I got married twice.  The first time we married in a beautiful, small wedding in my good friend's beautiful, large living room. I was nervous as hell, Greg's family was confused and mad at us for marrying too quickly and without a huge wedding everyone could come to, and my family was a little less mad but no less confused. You'd have to ask Greg how he felt about it at the time. He went through with it, but I judged by the slightly green around the gills look he had during the ceremony, he had some doubts! It felt a lot like we were jumping off a cliff together, and not only did we not know if a safe landing waited below, almost everyone in the room was convinced there was NOT. The entire event, while lovely and certainly happy for Greg and I, was rife with tension and some regret on my part because one of my beloved lobsters, my sister Kelly, was unable to be there. So, while I adore the beautiful pictures, and I have memories of the day that are delightful, the wedding I thought of this morning was the wedding Greg and I had in the Catholic Church. I was six months pregnant with Benjamin. I borrowed a blue dress from Kelly, our sibs read scripture passages, and a couple of immediate family couldn't make it because they were sick. But it was a perfect little ceremony. I recall vividly the love, certainty, and joy in Greg's face while we exchanged our vows. I recall vividly feeling the same love, certainty, and joy. We'd been married exactly a year, and we knew without a doubt we'd done the right thing. I wish Greg had been with me at church this morning. (he's on shift with the fire department) I would marry him anytime, anyplace, again and again.

The rest of the service was wonderful. I am still processing it. I definitely will be back. The giant bonus of an hour and a half of free childcare is only a small fraction of the myriad reasons that is so.

On these rare, quiet occassions

It is a truth that if I sit down with the computer to write my blog about mental health, balance, and emotional nurturing for mothers because my house is so quiet and the boys are taking good naps...one of them will wake up. This time it is Peter. Its not his fault (clearly). I took too long to get my butt sitting down with the computer.

This is where Benjamin naps now. He started out like this:

That's right, he fell asleep watching tv. That's the only way he naps now. Judge me, go ahead. I am completely fine with it. 

So I suppose I should go get Peter. Benjamin actually just woke up as well and is on my bed with me, his head on my leg. He smells a bit so I am going to go change his diaper. 

We'll meet up later and talk about those other things I mentioned, yes? Great!

quick P.S. 

Benjamin fell back asleep on my bed! bonus nap!

Zoo Trip Story. Sort of.

Two nights ago, when my husband was on another surprise OT (its always a surprise to me when he goes, even though he signs up for them and tells me ahead of time) I stood at the computer trying to organize my thoughts for this blog and instead started reading blogs while I munched a dark chocolate bar. I was congratulating myself on my healthy desserty snack choice when I idly glanced at the nutritional information....WTF. I had just consumed about 600 calories of chocolate. ack.
 I need to hire someone to be my chocolate holder. If someone is not holding the rest of the chocolate bar away from me, I will eat it until its gone. Strangely, this only happens with dark chocolate. Milk chocolate, meh. I can take it or leave it. I guess I need to switch to milk chocolate...

I take a break from this blog to report that my 8 month old just STOOD UP. HE IS PULLING HIMSELF UP ON THE LEGO BAG. AAAAARRRRRRGGGGH. When he was born I was determined to tie his ankles together, but I got distracted by how cute his legs were when they waved around free from restraints. I was going to tie his ankles together because his brother took his first steps at 9 months. By 10 months he was walking across rooms and by 11 months he was RUNNING INTO TRAFFIC. Not really. But that's how it felt.

Anyway, we went to the zoo a couple of days ago and I decided to just let Benjamin walk while I pushed Peter around in the stroller. I really really want to tell you this story- I have been trying to write this blog for three days but Ben gave up naps so its been difficult finding the time and now Peter just woke up as I put down one of our little friends for a nap (Ben is out with dad and grandpa)
.
..fast track zoo story is Ben loved the gorillas and the chimps, and the SEALS made him start yelling something that sounded like 'let's go! let's go! let's go!' at the seals, so maybe he wanted to help them escape? Or jump in with them? I am not sure. After that I tried to get him to leave, so he immediately tried to jump into the waterfall outside the seal tank, then he tried to jump into the duck pond, then he tried to run away to the elephants (does it count as running away when he tells me where he's going?) so I switched him into the stroller with Peter sitting on the cement and carried Peter out held high against my shoulder so my back wouldn't twinge.



Coming soon...WWAMD???  AM is a very good friend of my family's...she's this huge fan of the McKenzie sisters, which is hilarious to us, because we are huge fans of hers. She recently taught me about pumping breastmilk while driving. She is hilarious, kind, hard working, and a wonderful mother. My new mantra in dealing with my daily frustrations is WWAMD? What would AM do? Because it usually involves laughing.


Question: do I negate this poopless blog entry by pointing out that its the 2nd blog entry in a row without poop featuring? Its my blog, I decide nay, and celebrate!

Pictures next time! maybe! baby calling! muah! (that's kissing off instead signing off in case you were wondering)

and in other news...

Please Please Please leave comments and feedback for me on my Facebook if you can't do it on this page. You can leave comments for me if you are on a computer- but not by smartphone, which is really stupid in my opinion.  I am trying to resolve the issue, but not having any luck thus far.

In other news...Coming to a webpage near you, Momology! Elizabeth Schichtel and I are taking her amazing creations from Cheeky Bunz Diapers and adding new, original, and beautiful handmade cuddly baby things to a line of mama products and luxuries. Check out Liz's CheekyBunzdiapers.com, her Etsy shop of the same name, and please like her on Facebook!  She is so so talented, and I am really stoked about the opportunity to create for a living while learning from a master seamstress.

In other news...The other night  I watched Benjamin play until he dropped, exhausted, on his uncle's lap. Peter went to bed at 7, but then woke up at ten and rejoined the party. They were both up at 7am. I don't understand how this works. It is a truth about babies and young children that however late they stay up and however rough a night they have, they will be bright eyed and bushy tailed at least 2 hours before you are ready to drag your butt out of bed. I have yet to meet the toddler that isn't a morning person. While its maddening and exhausting, there's a certain beauty to it. Every day, regardless of how the night before went, Benjamin and Peter are excited to greet us and the day. Eager to reconnect with their world, they walk around the house smiling at their toys, their milk cup, their tv program, their high chair, their parents. They fuss at getting their diapers changed as if to say 'hurry UP I have LIFE to live and WONDERS to explore and you are holding me UP!'

Meanwhile, after they are changed, fed, and my coffee is ready, I curl up on the floor in my bathrobe, watching a Golden Girls marathon, clutching my coffee mug and wondering if I'd had too much wine the night before. The boys played, oblivious to my discomfort of course, and we had a really pleasant morning followed by more vegging during the Super Bowl. The game was pretty exciting, but I wasn't uber impressed by the commercials. Let's face it, I really didn't get to watch it. Oh well.

Benjamin just walked up to me and started singing 'I will Wait I will wait for you'. Shout out to Mumford and Sons.

If you check out my Facebook page you can see Benjamin singing for yourself- Not sure when this became the new song around my house, but my little guy has some strong music preferences!